Beware the mermaid kiss
Those who know what that means are laughing right now and thinking “that is disgusting”. If you don’t then stand-by.
WARNING: If you have a weak stomach read no further.
Those who have been in uniform and gone the field you are familiar with the long row of port-o-johns. They are generally a bit of a walk from the billeting area or firing line. Too often they are not down wind. When I first came into the Marines, I was surprised to find these organic refuse collection closets out in the field. I hadn’t thought about it, but assumed everyone would dig a cat-hole, bury, and move on. I hadn’t considered a concentration of hundreds of people in the same area for days on end. Imagine that over years of utilizing the same ranges and training areas. Yeah, it’s good we weren’t digging holes.
We used to ask a question: What is better…a full port-a-john, or an empty one?
If you lack experience, you may be tempted to say an empty one. The mental approach is sound. Less people have been there before, it will smell less, and be less disgusting. They can definitely get disgusting quickly. I’ve seen a pile massed into a peak above the ring of the toilet seat. I am not making this up. I’ve been in ones where the floor is cracked and fluid seeps when you step in. It still galls me to think of the MRE trash that you find in the field privy. Some were empty main meal pouches with the spoon sticking out of them. Yes, someone was eating in there! Be sure to bring your own toilet paper. When port-o-johns are contracted they include delivery, removal, cleaning, and stocking with toilet paper. The problem is they only put one roll in each booth. It either lasts until it runs outs, or the first Lance Corporal to make a deposit takes it with him. Dirtbag. It amazes me how many people must carry around permanent markers. There’s no need to bring reading material. The walls have enough graffiti to keep your attention. I gathered all of my “Chuck Norris-isms” from the port-o-johns across Iraq over the years. I don’t even want to discuss the heat. Try doing your business in 120 degrees. Ridiculous.
The most maddening experiences are when you go in, just enough time has elapsed for you to drop trou’, and you hear a series of loud thuds as your buddies chuck rocks at the port-o-john. A little mischief and harassment are to be expected. Some take it a little too far and drop rocks down the exhaust pipe from above which (if near empty) can result in a splash. More on that later. As the dark humor pervades in a combat zone these same miscreants will wait until the proper time then yell “INCOMING!” as some poor hard charger comes tumbling out with his pants around his ankles trying to take cover. They collapse in a seizure of laughter. I’ve even seen a guy so hardened by the years of combat that when actual mortar rounds were landing in the FOB he kept his post on the plastic throne. Later when asked what he was thinking he said “Nope. I’m dropping this deuce. If they’re gonna kill me, they won’t do it while making a fool of me too.” He wasn’t afraid, he was fuming. Pun intended.
So…the other extreme is an empty port-o-john. This is where you must head the warning “beware the mermaid kiss”. It’s a blue, wet, splash you get on your rear aperture right after launching the initial salvo. It is disgusting. I’ve even tried the maneuver I refer to as the “one cheek sneak”. It consists of placing the majority of your weight on one cheek, the other only slightly making contact, one hand on the wall, poised to bolt semi-standing after launch in hopes of evading the splash radius. Kind of a shoot and move. It’s tactical. Sometimes it works. The other technique I developed is called “the barrier method”. It is executed by taking long strips of toilet paper and gently easing them onto the surface of the deep creating a thin veneer of tissue. The goal is to disrupt impact and reduce splash. The barrier method combined with the one sneak cheek will generally protect you from the amorous clutches of the mermaid. The drawback is you now become the dirtbag using up the only roll of toilet paper. Oh well. I got mine.
In conclusion, beware the mermaid kiss.
Also, never bum a dip from a guy who just left the port-o-john. He ain’t sanitizing.