How do I explain?

How do I explain?

How do I explain? How much I love life, how much I appreciate each day, each experience, each relationship.

Tonight, I fall asleep in a soft bed, with a pillow. My loving wife and best friend by my side. I tucked in my sweet daughters. My son is asleep with his dog beside him. I had a glass of wine before bed. I forgot to lock the back door, but I am unconcerned. They are home, we are safe. In the morning I will wake and hear the birds. I will have a hot cup of coffee. My wife will make it, and one of my daughters will bring it to me and kiss me on the cheek. There is nothing better in this life. But how do I explain?

How do I explain that I love this life, yet for so guilty for having it? They deserved a good life too. Elia doesn’t get to raise his son, the one who bears his name. Three from my platoon. One had a daughter whose face he never saw. The other two, also young, never married. Did they ever find love? But I will be an old man it seems. How do I explain?

How do I explain how good it feels to laugh so deep, to smile so big, to love so much; but to feel bad for this life that I have? How do I explain?

I am glad that I am here. I am so sad they are gone. But how do I explain?

I feel like a small thread in a great tapestry. Some of the threads have faded, but my color is still bright. How do I explain, how do I explain?

I pick up a pen and scribble some words, but they come out like a ramble, I’m sure. How do I explain?

To share with those who would hear, so they know of those who are gone. How do I explain?

So they will know that when I laugh, I still cry. That I’m grateful I live, and I’m so, so sorry they died.

How do I explain?